It's OK to cry...

I have been writing and editing this post so many times, but felt that it was important to get my story out there and to let you all know out there that have been wondering what's been going on with me the last week and a half.  A warning, this is a very long post that will more than likely produce tears. 

Do you ever feel like you just can't catch a break?  
That's been our motto the past several weeks....

Tuesday (7/30)-

What was suppose to be a happy time on Tuesday, July 30th, turned into my worst nightmare.  If you know me, you know that I worry about everything.  That day, we had our 12 week check up for the baby.  I had been told by a friend (my best friend in fact) that not to worry, if they can't find a heartbeat, they might take you into an ultrasound to find that heartbeat since the baby could still be tiny. (Best advice to help calm any fears) We went into the doctor's office and started to schedule out my appointments farther in advanced since I needed late afternoon appointments and those are hard to come by.  We were then whisked to the back to discuss with someone about insurance costs and what not.  Thank god Andy was there with me, because it was confusing for me.  I'm a smart girl, but those numbers did a number to my brain.  We went back into the waiting room and waited for us to be called back into the room to be checked out by the doctor.  We started chatting with the doctor and he asked how things were going.  I said that I had, had some spotting but nothing too bad.  He seemed really concerned, and in fact, he startled me with his responses after the spotting comment.  He started to try to find a heartbeat with the doppler and couldn't find anything.  I was trying not to be too nervous, because of what my friend told me, so I tried as much as I could to be calm.  He then did a pelvic exam and said he was going to squeeze me into the ultrasound room and then we can talk afterwards.  I knew that comment of "we can talk afterwards", it was not a good one.  We sat in the waiting area (it is in a separate area where you weren't with everyone else) for about 45 minutes.  Honestly the time didn't drag and Andy kept my mind off things while we waited.  We mostly watched silly iFunny videos.  Into the ultrasound room we went and she started to find the baby.  She found it and immediately I knew.  The baby was super tiny and was the same size we had seen at 8 weeks.  She tried to get a heartbeat twice and nothing would come about.  She said she was sorry, but wasn't getting a heartbeat.  I remember looking at her and just started crying, full on sobs and tears.  I then swore it was a de ja vu moment.  Like I had a dream this before.  Same room, same ultra sound technician, same everything.  Very strange.  Andy's had his hand on my arm and just kept rubbing my arm.  I couldn't look at him, I couldn't look at anyone.  Once I finally got my composure, we walked into the doctor's office where we spoke about a D&C (Dilation and curettage) and when we could get the procedure done.  Tears were at bay (mostly) until I got into the car.  I called my job to let them know and then my mom.  Hardest phone call ever to make, was to my mother.  How do you tell your mother that you no longer are pregnant?  I don't remember exactly what I said, but it was somewhere along the lines of there is no baby.  She was completely shocked and I tried talking to her but it was nothing but sobs and sobs.  All I kept thinking was that I am stupid.  I didn't blame myself for losing the baby, I just felt dumb for not knowing that the baby was no longer alive.  I knew that things just didn't seem right, but what else could I do.  I thought the spotting was odd, but I had always read that some spotting can be normal.  So it never occurred to me to call the doctor.  My boobs stopped hurting, but I never thought it was odd because I had read that it was normal for them to stop hurting after awhile.  I never had morning sickness, but not everyone has morning sickness.  When I was getting ready for work on Monday morning, my thought while showering, "So I am in my 12th week of pregnancy and there was no way I could lose this baby now".  Dead serious, I thought that.  So it came as an absolute shock that Tuesday I find out that the baby is no longer there.  You always hear the fear of miscarriage and I thought that since I had an ultrasound at 8 weeks with a heartbeat that the baby would be just fine.  Never had I ever thought that at 12 weeks I would no longer have a baby.

Andy dropped me off at my car that we left at the restaurant we had lunch at and we both headed home.  The rest of my evening was spent on the couch with tears every once in awhile.  I tried to get some rest, but rest was not an option when your mind is running a million miles an hour.  Andy spoke to his parents and told them.  I knew it was hard on Andy also and we tried to console each other as best as possible.  I have always loved Andy, but Tuesday was a day that I will never forget.  I thought I loved Andy with all that I had and I seriously feel in love even more with him.  He has been an amazing support system and has been the best husband to me.  Tuesday's night I didn't sleep well, but what else did I expect.  My boss told me that I could take the rest of the week off, but I knew there was no way I could stay home just thinking and crying all day long.  I knew that I would just make myself sick.  


Wednesday (8/1) - 
Wednesday morning I got up for work and got ready with my usual routine.  Shower first.  While in the shower I just got so sad.  I cried and cried and just kept thinking of all of the people I had let down.  I know that it was not my fault, but I am always trying to make everyone happy.  I finally gained some sort of composure and got dressed and ready for work.  I called the doctor's office to go ahead and schedule the D&C and it was set for Friday.  I had to be at the surgery center at 10 am for the procedure.  I couldn't really speak to my mom on the phone because I was just so sad, but thankfully we have technology and we could text each other.  What an amazing woman she is.  I asked if she would let our family know what had happened.  That evening Andy and I spent the night on the couch, watching TV and just spending some quality time together.  I decided that I didn't want to see any family until the surgery was over with.  I also received many text messages from various family members saying that they were sorry for our loss and that they were there for us.  It was touching to know how many people out there love us.


Thursday (8/2) -  Thursday was a bit better, but the nerves were starting to get the best of me with my surgery planned for Friday morning.  I had never broken a bone, gotten stitches, or had any hospitalization.  29 years of no complications and now I am about to go into surgery.  Scary!!  Thursday night I thought for sure I would get no sleep.  But I actually slept really well, shockingly!  Nothing too major happened that day. 


Friday (8/3) -  Friday morning, August 2nd.  I was doing well and really at peace with what was about to happen.  We arrived at the St. Louis Women's Surgery Center around 9:45 am.  We were early, but needed to be so that we could get any paperwork that needed to be filled out and get the pre-operative process going.  I only had to sit in the waiting room for about 15 minutes, until they called me back.  I was taken back to change into my awesome hospital gown, slipper socks with rubber grippy's and awesome hair thing.  I was then taken to a chair to get my blood pressure taken, heart rate monitors on my chest and an IV started.  Needles are not my friend, but I handled it like a pro.  After the IV the nurse went back to get Andy from the waiting room.  While waiting for Andy the tears began to stream down my face.  I was so nervous and had no idea what was going to go on during my surgery.  The nurse anesthetist came in to talk to us about the anesthesia that I would be receiving.  I was told they would be giving me propofol (the Michael Jackson drug is what I refer it to) and that the surgery would only take about 15 minutes from start to finish and the doctor would be out to the waiting room to speak to Andy about how I was doing.  The doctor also came in to speak to us before the surgery.  He said some really encouraging things like, "This isn't your fault, right?" and "You will still have a baby in 2014 ".  After the doctor left I of course had to pee......fun times heading to the bathroom with my IV bag in tote along with my blood pressure cuff attached to my arm and heart monitors on my chest, but it was possible and needed to be done.  :)  After my short bathroom break I was headed into the OR room. It was just like I had always seen it on TV.  Scary, but the nurses were so nice and accommodating.  They immediately took my mind off of being in a surgery room.  They began to ask where I worked and what I do.  We spoke about it for probably a minute or two.  I felt the medicine go up my arm and into my chest and I was out.  I remember in the OR the nurses asked me to scoot over to the gurney to be wheeled in the recovery room.  I then woke back up in the recovery room and realized I no longer had my glasses on.  They asked if I would like my glasses back and I denied them, since I could barely keep my eyes open.  They also asked if I would like anything to drink.  I asked for a water and they went out to get Andy from the waiting room.  He came in and stood next to me.  I wasn't very talky, just very tired and in and out of it.  15 minutes later, I was more awake and we changed me into my clothes I had come in.  They wheeled me out of the car and we were off towards home.  We stopped at St. Louis Bread Co. for lunch (drive through) and ate it at home.  I was a little bit sore, but more tired than anything.  I spent the rest of the day on the couch recovering.  I was in and out of sleep just getting some more rest from my surgery.  My mom called later in the afternoon to see how I was doing and asked if she could bring us anything.  I asked if she wouldn't mind bringing us dinner over and for her to eat with us too.  I think she was more than happy to do that for us and was glad to get to see me.  She brought over Olive Garden (YUM!!) and we ate and watched, "Bridesmaids" the movie.  It was the best way to end such an emotional day.  

Saturday (8/4) - 
That morning I woke up and was ready to get out of the house.  I went out by myself to the Gap Outlet and Target.  I'll post another day on my finds and good deals.  :)  I was in pretty good spirits and wasn't hurting too bad.  I could only make it about an hour with shopping and was pooped.  To home I went to rest for a bit.  Andy and his dad were working on sound proofing the basement.  That night we went out to dinner with Andy's parents to Hendrick's BBQ.  It was good, but the wait was too long for our meals to come and the food was overpriced.  Don't get me wrong, the food tasted good, but for a meal of 2 meats (beef brisket and turkey) and 2 sides (potato salad and fried) for $18 is not worth it, in my opinions.  

Sunday (8/5) -
What a rough morning wake up for me.  I woke up tired and sad.  Andy came in to check on me and asked how I was doing (like he has ever since we started dating).  I told him I was sad and he came over to hug me.  I started to cry and let some emotions out.  I felt stupid to be crying, but also knew it needed to come out.  It's alright to be sad, I've been through one emotional roller coaster.  Once I let all of my tears out, I showered and got ready for my day.  Andy and I went out to Lowe's to find a light for the basement.  My mom then came over with Jena and my Aunt Nancy to go out shopping and lunch.  It was well needed to spend time out with my mom, sister and Aunt.  We ate lunch at Jason's Deli (sooooo delish) and we shopped until I almost dropped.  :)  I hit "my wall" around 4 PM and was done for the day. For dinner that night, we smoked a pork tenderloin on the grill and spent the rest of the evening on the couch.

In all, I have to say that I am OK.  I seriously have the best support system I could ever ask for: my husband Andrew, my mother Carolyn, and my best friend, Ali.  I don't know where I would be emotionally without the 3 of them.  I really am at peace with everything that has happened.  Am I sad, of course I am sad!  Am I angry, no, I feel like everything happens for a reason.  Do I hate that I have to start all over again, heck yes!  But am I optimistic that God has a bigger plan for us, oh yes, very much so!!! 

In true blogger fashion, I snapped some photo's before my surgery.  :) 

I wanted to see what I looked like with my hair thing on, so I turned the camera on and laughed.  I then had to take a photo of me because when else am I ever going into surgery (hopefully, never again unless it's for babies).  

My awesome bracelet, you're all jealous, I know.  :) 

My IV